I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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