My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
