I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
thus making me awesome and them whores
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
