Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
