Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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