dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
