just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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