The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
