***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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