Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There r osticjed everywhere
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
