Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
