You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
