I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
