Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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