Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well I just put wine in my tea
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
