I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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