I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
