She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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