He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
