So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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