I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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