im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
