and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
