Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
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