the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
