i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
