I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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