Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
