if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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