alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
