Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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