i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I should be sponsored by Trojan
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
