That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
