i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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