when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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