I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
me + whiskey = a bad person
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
