mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
