Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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