I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I didn't notice because vodka
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize