So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
