You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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