I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's Friday. Sex?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
