The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
