Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
