He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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