Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
