Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
