new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
