guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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