she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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