We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
