Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize