Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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