I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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