I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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