i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
