We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize