I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
