He kissed a someone with a penis
he told me I talked like a deaf person
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
