Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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